Comedy night brilliant. Female comedian form the North East hysterically funny . I only had soft drinks so no hangover. However, I have got a very strange sensation in my ears. Like a muffled buzzing. Is so annoying.

Made myself a quick breakfast then headed off to work. Am full time this week.

Very busy at work but Manda still found time to tell me her sexploits with Gus and she showed me the love bite on her left buttock. She said Gus is such good company but she didn’t take any relationship serious. She was in it for the fun (and the amazing sex.)

Had a short lunch break so Manda got us a Macdonalds and I ate it at my desk whilst googling my ear problem.

It may be a build up of ear wax, an inner ear infection or tinnutis. It suggested putting warm olive oil into ear twice daily then if no improvement seek advice from GP. I know I haven’t got any olive oil in flat so will get some tonight at Tesco when I do my shopping.

I woke up to the sound of ‘Heaven knows I’m miserable now’ by the Smiths. My favourite song ever. It seemed to be coming from outside so I gingerly pulled back the blinds and there was Mark standing with his ipod speakers and a huge bouquet of stargazer lillies (my fave flowers ever).

After a quick wash, added bronzer, squirted perfume, a slick of lip gloss, I went down to let him in.

He said I looked really cute in my Betty Boop pyjamas and that he had missed me. He went in for a cuddle but I shyed away. He said my new hair colour and style was amazing and that I looked stunning.

He explained that he didn’t mention Jennifer as he knew I would get arsey about it all. As far as he was concerned she didn’t exist and that he had ended the relationship over seven months ago. I argued that he had said that he had not met the right girl yet. He said as far as he was concerned he hadn’t until he met me! He said granted,I wasn’t his usual ‘type’ of false tan, huge breasts and hair extensions but he had been taken by my sparkling personality.

I argued that I had huge hang ups about my body and self esteem issues as well as a penchant for looking up my symptoms on Google. I advised him he was better off without me as I had many health problems, both physical and mental. He insisted that he loved these little quirks and that is what made me so unique and special.

Admittedly he seemed convincing but I persisted that I felt he was not that desperate that he needed to go out with me. He was attractive and had a fit body so he could take his pick. He said he was through with air heads and at 35 he was looking for something more meaningful.

Anyway, I told him I was still feeling very hurt and that I felt betrayed that he had kept Jennifer a secret from me. He said he can’t be any more ashamed and sorry for his actions and he didn’t know how else to prove himself to me. His eyes had tears in them and he reminded me of my family dog Arthur so we embraced and then had the most amazing make up sex ever. A marathon four hours of unadulterated filth under the sheets, on the stairs, in the bath and the kitchen bench top. We then fell into an exhausted sleep.

I woke up at three and told him I was going out with Rex that night. He said he was glad that me and Rex were friends as it connected me to his family . I told him that was a bad thing because I wasn’t at all keen on Mercedes. Mark assured me that Rex only does Mungo and Babs’s hair and that Mercedes goes to Toni and Guy.

We parted on good terms and I went for a shower to get ready for comedy night.

Anita rang me last night. They have released mum without charge. They explained to police that she suffers with mental health problems (she doesn’t) and they said she was free to leave but that she should consider anger management classes. However, there is still the matter of the missing passport and tobacco money. Anita has got dad to wire her enough money to cover the tobacco as if mum doesn’t get it, it will be a lean Christmas this year. They have applied for a temporary passport and it should be available by the time they leave.

Rex texted me and said he had a spare ticket to see a comedian on Sunday night so I let him persuade me to go. He said Manda is going and that Gus is quite taken with her. Apparently she has a very dry sense of humour and is good in the sack. What else could a man need or want?

Mark has texted me hundreds of times asking if I would consider meeting him for a drink so that he can explain his side of the story. I texted him back and said I would think about it.

I have been on google about my stomach as it still has not settled following email shocker and night of prozac with cocktails. It appears that it is definitely my irritable bowel syndrome as well as my anxious state of mind. I will continue to keep taking Buscopan (for painful spasms) and mebeverine (for dry stools). Strangely, google said that taking prozac can give you an upset stomach and can cause nausea. I cannot win!

Didn’t wake up until half eleven. Head banging. I don’t even remember getting home last night. Come to think of it I don’t remember very much. Rex came into my room with a cup of tea and scrambled eggs on toast. He told me I had started acting funny at about ten thirty and then I passed out so he brought me home. He was very concerned about me so he stayed on the sofa. What a great friend. He said I was babbling on about my mother being kept in Spain forever and that my sister was a hypochondriac. He said I had not showed myself up as he got me away from everyone before I got any worse.

Apparently Manda copped off with Gus and Tracey got Mitchell set up in a gay club. I told Rex I remember him saying that he thought Mark had used me as an experiment. His theory is based on the fact that I am the polar opposite of Jennifer, I am one hundred percent working class, I have several flaws (Mainly my hair, shortness, flat chestedness.) I told Rex that I thought he said I was very attractive. He said of course you are but you are real and not plastic like Mercedes and Jennifer. I assured him that Mark also very down to earth, and despite having buff body and good looks, he too has flaws. Rex demanded to know so I confided in him about webbed feet, occasional unbearable noise when he is eating and slightly smelly feet. Rex said he was aroused at the thought of webbed feet.

After we had caught up with the previous nights events, Rex went home in a taxi and I had a lovely bath with calming lavender oil to soothe my frazzled nerves. I also took three milk thistle tablets to cleanse liver. I have vague memories of downing cocktails in one bar last night.

Went on google to check whether I have done permanent damage by taking prozac with alcohol but there was nothing to suggest one couldn’t drink whilst taking them. I took another two and had a sandwich (monster munch in a buttered bun always hits the spot when hung over).

Decided to check my emails. Big mistake. When I read them I had to rush o the loo with the runs. The stress of seeing Anita’s emails (6) made my irritable bowel syndrome flare up.

I was gripping my stomach as I absorbed what she was saying. Mum had got into a heated debate with the police and they had arrested her for assaulting a policeman without due provocation. Anita says in her other emails that mum is refusing to speak to either her or Ivan so can me or dad sort this out by ringing the British embassy ?

I emailed her straight back and advised her to have a word with their holiday rep to see if they could do anything first.

I have had to go for a lie down. My nerves are in shreds, my stomach killing, my hangover horrendous despite monster munch and I still can’t stop thinking about Mark.

Am going on the razz tonight. Rex rang me and asked me if I fancied a night out with him and his two friends Gus and Mitchell. I said I would go if I could bring some friends. I have arranged to go with Manda from work, and my long standing best friend Tracey. They are coming to mine at seven and we are meeting the lads in Chase Bar at eight. Rex said only Mitchell is gay so maybe I could hook up with Gus if I liked him. I told him I was still nursing a bruised ego.

My hair still looks fab so I decided to treat myself at the local salon to some beauty treatments. I had an anti ageing elemis facial, a manicure and a pedicure. Eyebrows were still ok from last weekend. On impulse I called into the hairdressers and had a blow dry as well. I applied false tan last night after my shower so am a nice golden hue. Put all my beauty treatments on my plastic card. I am working extra hours next week as Bernice is going on holiday so I have her shifts. The extra money will hopefully help pay some debt off.

Was arranging my outfit for tonight when my mobile rang. It was mum. She is distraught. Anita had to be rushed to hospital in middle of night with violent pains. The hotel doctor suspected appendicitis so didn’t want to take any chances. Anyway, when mum popped out for a cigarette she was mugged. A young guy ran passed her and cut her bum bag with a stanley knife. She has lost all her euros (600) and her passport. I said, “that’s terrible, but how is Anita?” and she replied “Fuck Anita, it was trapped wind. Too much junk food. I need to ask you how to explain about my lost money and passport”.

I consulted my trusted Spanish dictionary and told her how to say in broken Spanish ‘ser vapuleado, perdido dinero, perdido pasaporte’. She wrote it down and said it sounded like the cast from a Martin Scorcese Movie. I told her she hadn’t lost her sense of humour. She said she was on the way to the police station. She is very worried as those euros were her baccy money. She was going to make a hundred percent profit. I told her to ask Anita to lend her credit card but she said they were not speaking. I told her she will have to apply for a new temporary passport.

Am ready, waiting for the girls. Got wine cooling and have put pot some nibbles. Stomach still in knots. I am still stressed about Mark, and now am worried about my mum. Decided to take two prozac. The more you take, the quicker they get into your bloodstream according to Google.

Listened to Mark’s voicemails this morning. He is begging me to ring him and saying that he can explain everything. On the last message he is crying and saying he loves me and that I should not throw it all away just because his psycho ex girlfriend has told a pack of lies.

I texted him to remind him she was actually his fiancee not his girlfriend, and I wondered what I was classed as because he had not introduced me as his girlfriend to his family. He texted straight back and said yes he did introduce me as his girlfriend to his parents but he had already told Mungo and Mercedes about me so they already knew who I was.

I texted him back and told him that Mercedes had made bitchy comments and made me feel unattractive. He replied saying that is what she is like with everyone including her husband’s family. He then said he was so pleased I had texted him and that he would keep bugging me until I agreed to talk face to face with him. He then said he had to go as he was on a roof.

I texted him immediately and told him not to jump on my account and he replied saying he not suicidal yet, just laying tiles on apartment block roof.

Silly me. I forgot he was at work this week!

Doctor Bloomfield has confirmed I am indeed anxious and stressed and has written me a prescription for Fluoxetine (prozac). Dunno whether to take it though as came off it years ago and feel I became addicted it it. Will keep in vast medicine cabinet just in case.

Mum rang me at seven thirty this morning to tell me she has a terrible upset stomach. I asked her if she thought it was food poisoning but she said she doubted it as had only eaten salads and paella (oh if only she knew!).

She remembered I had done Spanish at night school and wondered if I knew the word for Diarrhoea. I explained that the night classes were seven years ago and it was conversational Spanish and I had not come across the word Diarrhoea .

Anyway she waited on the line while I looked in my Spanish dictionary. I advised her the word she needed was ‘descomponerse’. I said surely one of them had taken trusty immodium away wit them. She said she had packed anti histamine and laxatives but alas not a cure for Spanish tummy. She said she would go straight to chemist after breakfast. I advised her not to eat anything but she said she had paid good money for an “eat as much as you can” buffet style breakfast and that is what she intended to do.