Diary of a CyberChondriac

Obviously have brought my laptop. Arrived safely at hotel and booked in at 4 pm. The flight awful as I got sat next to Claire. She told me allabout her polycystic ovaries, her facial hair nightmare and the adult acne she had to endure. The doctor had referred her to a specialist in women’s problems and she had undergone a full hysterectomy (vaginally).

She then suffered a prolapse and has had stress incontinence ever since.

I never managed to get a word in edgeways. I did manage a gin and tonic though to numb the pain.

I insisted that I share a room with Tracey. I would not have had any room in the chest of drawers to store my things as Claire’s panty liners and tenna ladies would have took up all of the room. Manda apologised and said she intended to wear her ipod in the room so that she didn’t have to listen.

We got changed into something cool as Rome quite warm even in September. Looking suitably stylish we made our way into the city (our Hotel about half an hour from city centre so we took the bus.)

We went to see The Spanish Steps and gazed longingly into the windows of designer shops. Manda went into Prada and asked to buy a carrier bag but she was escorted out of the shop.

We took loads of photos, me and Manda in front of statue of Roman with willy hanging out, Tracey in front of man with willy hanging out, Claire giving a ten Euro note to beggar with a festered leg.

Next stop was gorgeous Italian restaurant omitting a dreamy garlic aroma. We sat down and ordered and then I nipped to the loo as I was bursting. The toilet was crawling with cockroaches. Returned to table and promptly left without ordering.

Found a clean place to eat but was very expensive so settled for a pizza between the four of us and a jug of water (probably tap).

We then found some lovely wine bars (so 80’s) but the booze was very expensive so we bought a bottle of vodka from the shops and just added it to lemonade in bars under the table.

Rolled in to the Hotel Roma at three in the morning and were told off my reception for making too much noise. We plugged ipod speakers in in our room and had a dance and more alcohol. Manda had brought cheese savoury sandwiches and corned beef pasties from the Greggs at the airport so we stuffed our faces then collapsed into bed at about four in the morning.

Well I am going away tomorrow for two nights. We are going to Rome. I have been to Rome when I was a teenager and I do think it’s a beautiful city.

I have my Benidorm money which has paid for mini break and will fund my spending.

As well as me, Manda is bringing her sister Claire (very highly strung, tactless, mutton dressed as ferret), and Tracey.

I couldn’t really disagree with Claire as it’s her who got is cheap flights. She works for EasyJet as a call centre operative. Our flights are only fifty quid return and we have great flight times. Tomorrow morning at ten so have to be at Manchester airport at 8. I was going to ask Julian to take us but we have decided on a taxi.

Listened to all of Mark’s messages then deleted them. He seems genuinely sorry about Jennifer and Mercedes turning up and is begging for another chance. He claims that I am his other one, and that I complete him. Please!!

He should know I have watched Jerry Maguire several times and is not Tom Cruise.

Maybe I will think about things when I am away. I could stare at the Trevi Fountain and gather my thoughts.

I decided not to tell mum that I was going as she will make me bring loads of tobacco back and the weight of my suitcase will go over the limit.

I was too excited to do much at work. Mark rang three times but Manda just told him I was too busy.

I hate taking off on the plane so will take a diazepam to calm my nerves. I have informed Rex where I am staying just in case of emergencies.

Early night tonight. All packed, Tickets, passport, money, credit card, Mebeverine, Buscopan, Immodium, Senokot, Fluoxetine, Diazepam, anti histamine, throat lozenges and paracetemol. If I need anything else I will have to visit Italian pharmacy. Have downloaded some useful phrases for emergencies such as ‘I am lost’ and ‘do you have any treatments for Haemorrhoids’.

Have put my name down for anxiety management course at local community centre. Should hear in few weeks. I am hoping the group will consist of high flying professional type people but knowing my luck the class will be a bunch of no hopers like me.

Work was very busy as a new housing development has asked our firm to do all supplying. I spoke to one of the architects and thought he might have been flirting with me but ignored it and remained strictly professional.

Manda spent the entire morning on google looking for cheap weekend breaks. My mum phoned me at work for a chat and said she had dropped my cigarettes off with my next door neighbour. She said she was disgusted that Anita was pregnant again. She has been to her first ante natal appointment and her due date is April the 1st. That did not come as a surprise. She is having a scan in two weeks to confirm dates and apparently she is hoping it is not twins again.

Again, no surprises there. I advised mum that I had finished with Mark again and that I had ended up in hospital with a panic attack. She just said ‘what are you like Carla! you can’t seem to hold on to a man’.

She said Ivan had put his name down for extra shifts at work, and had asked dad if he could share his allotment as he needed to grow his own vegetables to save money. I told mum I thought he would be better off finding a better job but she said that Ivan was at the back of the queue when God was handing out ambition and brain power. I said at least he is fertile. Mum said that was a curse and she hoped the future offspring would inherit the Bradley brains.

Rex picked me up from work and we went for a cheap Italian tea time special. He has been an absolute rock lately. After the meal we went to Rex’s salon and he trimmed my hair, touched up my roots and applied another magic straightening treatment.

He said Mungo had told him that Mark has left nine messages on my answer phone but there was no more space to leave any more. He had also left endless text messages and voicemails. Mungo said that after I had stormed out he threw Mercedes and Jennifer out and told Mercedes to stay out of his life.

That does make me feel a bit better but I am ok on my own at the moment. If I am meant to be with Mark then it will happen. I am a great believer in fate.

Rex dropped me off at ten and I more or less flopped straight into bed. Because of diazepam I hope to get a decent sleep tonight.

I woke up in early hours of morning with horrendous pains in my chest. I also felt nauseous. I got up to go to the loo and my legs just gave way. MY heart was pounding and I was sweating. I managed to crawl on my belly and grabbed the throw on my bed and my mobile fell off. I rang Tracey and told her I thought I was dying.

She asked if I had googled my symptoms but I said I was too weak.

Tracey googled palpitations, dizziness, nausea and sweating as well as pain in chest and told me she would ring an ambulance as google said I was having a heart attack. She said she would drive to the hospital and wait for me there.

I ended up in a holding type of ward and was assessed right through the night. The consultant came to see me at nine o clock this morning and said she was sure I had had a panic attack and was suffering from anxiety. She asked if I was stressed about anything. I told her I was often stressed. She advised me to read the leaflets on anxiety management and gave me a letter to give to my doctor.

Tracey had phoned Manda and asked her to cover for me at work and explained what had happened. Manda told the manager that I had an emergency dental appointment and would try and get to work this afternoon.

Tracey brought me home and I had a shower while she made a sandwich for us.

I told her I feel totally stupid for dragging her to the hospital in middle of night but she said that was what best friends were for. I said a friend in need is a pain in the arse.

I don’t know how but I managed to go to work at one and the manager was at an area meeting so luckily I was not missed.

Manda said that she and Tracey were going to try and book a long weekend away for the three of us. She said Bernice said she would cover the Monday and Friday for us. I decided that sounded like a fabulous idea.

I really need to get away and clear my mind about all things Mark related.

I went to see Doctor Bloomfield and he could not have been nicer. He advised me to continue taking the prozac and he gave me a weeks worth of diazepam to calm me and help me sleep.

Have decided not to turn phones back on until I am feeling better.

Everyone has rang to see if Mark ok. I didn’t mention about my bad back to Rex but I did tell Manda. She said she went in the toilets with Gus for a Booty call at the charity event. I asked her how she had managed this as I could barely get in. She just sniggered and said I had to use my imagination. She said it involved standing on the toilet seat.

I don’t even want to go there.

Mark is still in agony and his family are coming over this afternoon to see him. Mercedes his sister left a message on the answer phone saying Rex had told Mungo all about his accident. She said she was surprised he was still going out with Worzel Gummidge (presume that’s me.)

I was meant to staying all day but I would rather make my escape now before they arrive.

Mark has begged me to stay and said to ignore Worzel Gummidge remark. He said Mungo and Babs both liked me and his parents were ok with me. Well flattery indeed. I think Mungo only likes me because I didn’t freak about his sex change operation. I may suffer with many physical and mental illnesses but I am efinitely not narrow minded. That is thanks to my parents and their eccentric ways.

My back really bad and feel I would be better in my own flat sitting with a hot water bottle watching Pride and Prejudice. However, I have soldiered on and managed to give Mark his lunch and his pills. He has been given Tramadol but they are making him really drowsy. I will have to ring in sick for him tomorrow.

The outlaws will be here soon so I have managed to tidy myself up and potter around cleaning up the flat.They have just buzzed up using the intercom so I will switch off now and report back later.

Well I am now back home. Me and Mark are finished for good.

Bloody Mercedes turned up with Jennifer. My confidence just evaporated as they are a formidable twosome. Mercedes looked at me with disdain and Jennifer went straight to the sofa where Mark was lying and started fawning over him. She kissed him on the lips. I don’t honestly think Mark could pull away quick enough as he was in too much pain. I felt so sick to my stomach I said I had just received a text saying my mother was ill and had to go. I quickly gathered my stuff and left.

I was in such a state I walked all the way back to my flat even though it is six miles away.

I was sweating like a kipper when I got home so I had a shower and switched my mobile off. Am seriously thinking about getting a new SIM card so that Mark cannot bother me anymore. I just can’t take any more of this shit. He may say that he doesn’t have feelings for her but she is always going to be there isn’s she? floating about in the shadows like a bad smell. Mark had shouted after me but I put my hand up in a ‘talk to the hand coz the face ain’t listening ‘ type of gesture.

I have phoned Rex in tears. He was in bed with some youngster (22 year old student) when I rang but he insisted on driving straight over. Manda and Tracey are on their way also.

My fabulous friends have been so kind. They made me have a hot bath, take my pain killers and eat some fish and chips which they had brought around.

They have all gone home now as it’s late and they all have work tomorrow. I have decided not to answer phone or mobile for a few days. Rex has given me one
of his phones to contact people on and transferred all my numbers for me.

Rex told me that Mercedes had slagged me off to Babs last weekend. She said I looked like a scarecrow and have no prospects (Mark had told Babs and Mungo that he had met me at bathroom fitting supply firm) and Mercedes said this is hardly a high flying career.

I tried to act like I wasn’t bothered but I think Rex can read me quite well.

I will not wait until new year to make resolutions as I have decided today that I will go back to college on an evening and train to do something. Maybe I could do an open university degree? I could become a doctor even. I have a head start being so well read on all medical matters.

I will sleep on it. I cannot phone in sick tomorrow as I already have had a sick warning this year. I need this job to pay my rent and bills. We haven’t all got rich millionaire brothers like Mark.

Had a fabulous night and won three raffle prizes. Two of them were bottles of snowball and the other was a free cut and blow dry at Norma’s Hair emporium (will give all three prizes to my mum.)

Rex and Mitchell looked super cool in their vintage gear, and Manda and Gus just looked hysterical in their pimp getup. Mark clumped around for an hour in his platforms but he slipped on the dance floor so changed into his trainers. The whole evening raised eight hundred pounds so was quite proud that I had contributed. I think Rex donated a hundred quid (his tips at work are excellent. It is his salon and his clientele are very elite).

The downside were the toilets. They must have been invented for waifs as I had to turn sideways to get in and it took ages to undo my lycra cat suit in such an enclosed space. I always hover over the toilet seat (my mam told me when I was growing up that I could catch sexually transmitted diseases from lavatory seats) but when I tried to hover my legs became wedged against the sides of the toilet cubicle.

As a result I have a really bad back. I looked back pain up on google and it advised keeping mobile as much as possible and applying ice and heat alternatively. Poor Mark can’t help me either. Just before we left at about midnight Rex insisted we get a group photo taken and persuaded Mark to put his platform boots back on. We then left and went for some supper as the buffet was awful (stale sausage rolls, triangular sandwiches which were curled up and Iceland mini pizzas. I think was more a spread than a buffet.)

Anyway Rex coerced us to go for a curry at this restaurant that he frequents. The food was gorgeous. We had pickles and poppadums to start then Bhuna Prawn on puree, onion bhajis, chicken Massala all washed down with a pint of lager.

We left curry house at one thirty and stepped outside for a taxi. That’s when Mark slipped on a discarded carton of curry sauce and chips. He was moaning in agony so we phoned an ambulance. I told Manda, Gus, Mitchell and Rex to go home but they all insisted on coming to hospital. They followed ambulance in a mini bus taxi cab.

The consultant on duty was not impressed by the fact that Mark had been drinking alcohol and advised that he could not have any pain relief. He had dislocated his shoulder and sprained his ankle badly as well as bad cuts and bruises. It was hysterical watching Mark being told off because he was still wearing afro wig and brown nylon flared trousers although the platform boots had been removed. Rex and me kept giggling so the nurse told us to wait outside.

Mark did not get kept in but they have given him some strong painkillers and he is still sleeping. I have took a couple myself for my back.

I will shuffle in to the kitchen soon and cook us some lunch/tea as it’s gone two. Rex has rang to make sure we are both ok but he had to try and stop himself laughing. I told him Mark was pissed off with us for being childish last night as he was in severe pain.

Mark and me have eaten an omlette, a family size bar of Galaxy and a pot of tea. We are now lying together in bed watching a dvd. We obviously can’t go too near one another as both in severe pain.