Diary of a CyberChondriac

So after work last night I went to see the nurse. Turns out I have got conjunctivitis. She gave me a prescription for some anti biotic eye drops which I had to start using straight away. She said it is highly infectious and that I should use a separate towel etc.

As my mum had undergone her bunion operation, I had to visit her in hospital so I had to buy an eye patch at the chemist.

Julian picked me up from Manda’s and he went into hysterics when he saw me. He answered all my questions with ‘Aye Aye capt’n or yes me hearties’. He said it was a good job I had had my tooth fixed or I really would have looked ridiculous.

I asked him why dad was not visiting and he said dad does not think hospitals are places for men to visit. Although he had given Julian some cucumber and tomatoes to take from his allotment (unwashed ). I advised Julian not to give them to mum if he wanted to live.

She was not in a good mood and was on a morphine drip so kept nodding off. The nurse said she can come home on Monday and the district nurse will visit her daily. As everyone will be around at Anita’s, Julian arranged the ambulance to take her home and Anita and my Aunt Beryl will see to her in turn.

Anita would not be lifting a finger during the move anyway. Ivan and his seven brothers will do all the graft.

Anyhow, I went in to work this morning and told Kirk I will take the job. He shook my hand and welcomed me to the management. He said he will show me the ropes starting Monday and that he will share my work out between Manda and Bernice. I advised him that I had Monday booked off as it is my birthday nut he said I would have to cancel. First rule of management is that you have to drop things at a moment’s notice. I didn’t want to screw things up so I have greed to work on Monday. I did not let on that I had decided to have entire weekend off instead.

Anyway I moved into Mark’s tonight for a couple of days. We celebrated with a bottle of Asda’s finest Asti Spumante (Mark is allergic to champagne ) and we watched a dvd.

Looking forward to a nice lie in and will have to ring Rex and tell him my news and cancel Mondays lunch date.

Bernice has handed in her letter of resignation. She said she can no longer work under these conditions and that she would rather fry bacon and burgers for a living. Kirk read it and called her into his office. She has been told that she must work a months notice.

Got a reprieve as Kirk got called out of the office to attend an important meeting. I took the opportunity to look on google. I am still having trouble with my elbow and my right eye is very itchy and bloodshot.

Google says I probably have tennis elbow or tendonitis ( as I suspected after googling it last week ) and my eye problem could be allergy related or conjunctivitis. I rang the surgery and the nurse will see me tonight. You cannot be too careful with eye problems.

Manda nipped out to the bakery and came back with cakes and lattes. We had a lovely relaxing two and a half hours in Kirk’s absence.

We had to put the coffee cups and wrappers in the sanitary towel bin so that he would not know that we had nipped out during work hours. When we saw him return, we all acted busy.

He called an immediate meeting. We are opening a brand new office in Leeds and he is going to front it and oversee the running of business so he is leaving us in two weeks time. Manda had to pretend to cough so that her smile was concealed. He said to celebrate the opening he was going to go to the bakery and get cakes and coffees. We all had to cover our faces when he said that.

Felt sick after eating my second peach melba and drinking my second decaffeinated cappuccino.

Kirk called me into his office so I was terrified. He told me to sit down and not look so nervous. He said as I had been there the longest and I have the most experience he would like to offer me his job as assistant manager. I was so taken aback I burst out laughing. He said it was no joke and that I needed to let him know by close of business tomorrow as he would have to advertise the post if I didn’t want it.

I told the girls when I got back to my desk and Manda said I should definitely take it if it was more money. I told her it was an extra five thousand a year but he would be training me for the next two weeks so that part would be awful. Bernice and Manda both said I should take it. Bernice said she would withdraw here resignation if I became new boss.

Am totally stunned. I never thought me, Carla Bradley would get a promotion at my age.

I rang Mark to discuss it with him and he is really proud of me and said I should take it.

Will sleep on it.

Anita left a voicemail on my mobile phone to say mum had gone into hospital to get her bunions done as there had been a cancellation. Doreen got out of hospital yesterday afternoon so Claude has been returned although Anita said she had said in a martyred tone that Claude may have to go to a shelter as she is too weak to care for him.

Managed to get through work. Manda took many notes on Kirk today. Bernice is thinking of resigning. Her dad says she can work in the family burger van which is positioned on the hard shoulder of a motorway. It is called ‘Brenda’s Big Baps’. Manda joked that I couldn’t work there with my 34B’s. Poor Bernice she must be desperate to even consider going to that job.

Went to dentist straight after work and then caught a bus to the general to see my mother.

She was holding court on the ward when I got there. The other patients were hanging on to her every word.

I was her first visitor. Anita had been this afternoon and said she was too tired to return. The sign on her bed said ‘Nil by mouth’.

Mum said she was so hungry she could eat a scabby gorilla between two pissy mattresses. I winced at her turn of phrase as I felt sick with hunger following numbness from dentist.

She kept telling me to talk proper, but I explained the numbness wouldn’t wear off for a few hours. Mum said she had asked Anita to feed dad and Doreen. I actually felt a bit sorry for Anita but I cannot help as I work full time and Manda doesn’t live anywhere near Neil Kinnock Crescent.

Julian turned up after twenty minutes or so but he didn’t have much to say as he hates hospitals .

I managed to wheedle out of him that he is still seeing trollop from his office but he is going for promotion so he is going to end things soon.

Mum says Anita gets the keys to new house on Monday so we are all expected (except her because of impending bunion operation ) to help clean, scrape, decorate and help move her in. I reminded mum it was my birthday and that I had plans. She said “Shame on you Carla Bradley.”

I don’t recall any of the family helping me when I got my flat. It was filthy as well. My boyfriend at the time helped me. I refuse to feel guilty. I have booked a massage in town and am meeting Rex for lunch as he doesn’t work Mondays. Don’t know if Mark has anything planned.

Was glad to leave hospital. Julian offered me a lift. On the way to Manda’s he told me to ignore mum. He pointed out that she is spoiled rotten and him and me have always had to make our own way in the world.

Mark rang me to tell me to get dressed up on Friday night as he has tickets to see ‘Chicago’ and then a meal afterwards. Am really looking forward to it. I will work on Saturday but will have Sunday off as can have a lie in at Mark’s in his non memory foam bed.

Mum invited me after work as she wanted me to sign Doreen’s ‘Get Well’ card. Mum says it is the least we can do as Doreen doesn’t have any family.

I got there just after six by the time I had popped to the library to return some overdue books. God bless her she had made me a lasagne (from Iceland, the freezer shop, not the country .)

After tea she thrust the card under my nose. I noticed straight away that Julian had written ‘Keep your chins up’ but I omitted to tell mum as she would have gone ballistic. Anita had written some sycophantic message. She hardly knows her. Anita is a real snob so she has always shyed away from people who suffer afflictions, you know, smokers, morbidly obese people, people with tattoos, people with black roots and her main one is people who eat in the street. She once crossed the road years ago when she saw Julian in town eating a saveloy. She pretended she had not seen him.

Mum and I then took Claude for a walk. I had to get out as my throat was starting to get itchy. We let him off his lead on the school field. The school has closed down now, Tony Blair art and history technical college. It used to be called Weatherley Comprehensive but changed it’s name to fit in with mum’s estate, but it closed down a couple of months ago. It got a really bad reputation. Anyway, Claude went missing. Mum was in a right panic as she knows that Doreen worships him.

After ten minutes of shouting like fish wives, we found him, rolling in ecstasy on a used sanitary towel.

We took him back and bathed him in the back garden as he is too fat to lift into bath. We need a hoist really. Am sure Doreen has one.

Went home to Manda’s and rang my Landlord to find out when I can move back in. He said it will probably be another two weeks as there has been problems with the builders turning up. I said I thought it was just getting a new central heating system. He said some problems with the electric and plumbing had been uncovered and they had found damp .

My little flat is going to be a tip. Feel really weepy. Elbow throbbing and I have came on my period. The tusk had started to shrink so thought period not coming.

I just keep thinking about all the bad stuff in my life like my job, my flat, hiatus hernia, irritable bowel syndrome, depression, anxiety, tennis elbow,
allergies, OCD……….

Nothing to look forward to. I need a holiday. Got my birthday next week booked off so think will book myself in for a massage and facial.

Dentist tomorrow at five so will go after work.

Had to go straight on google this morning. I have an awful stabbing pain in my arm, near my funny bone. Took two paracetemol (can’t take ibuprofen because of hiatus hernia ). Google says it could be Tennis Elbow. I haven’t played tennis since 1982. I just don’t understand.

Bit late this morning so had to eat toast in the car on the way to work.

Kirk said he was glad to see Manda was over her bout of Gastric flu. She told him it is highly contagious so not to come near her at all today. He pulled a strange gurning sort of face.

He handed out our uniform. It is vile. I do not suit any shade of purple as it clashes with the broken capillaries on my face. We were allowed to change into it in the toilets separately. Mine is a bit snug to be honest. It’s a petite size eight but I am more of a ten in a petite. I informed Kirk of this but he said I would have to slim in to it.

Manda said that was out of order and she contacted our union rep (Bernice ) who promptly made some phone calls and then went in to see Kirk.

He sent me an email apologising and said he would order me a size ten and that I could wear my normal clothes until then.

He kept his distance from Manda and Bernice , but kept giving me his memory stick with letters I had to print off and post. Some of them were personal and ot to do with bathroom fittings. Manda said we should keep a diary and report him to the union. We don’t trust him so we are keeping a written journal on him to be kept at Manda’s.

Dentist hellish. Sat there for 45 minutes. My mouth had this clamp thing on and he kept asking me questions.

I have to go back next week to have the job finished. I now have a stump instead of a tooth and look like a pirate.

Went to Mark’s after the dentist but couldn’t even manage soup. He had cut out some jobs that he thought I might be interested in. He said once I had passed my test I could drive anywhere to work. I couldn’t take it any more and blurted out the whole story.

He said he will buy me some lessons with someone else but I told him my nerves were not up to it at this moment in time.

He was ok but a bit disappointed. He said he thought I had more get up and go about me. I told him that driving was my Achilles heel. He said swimming was his because of his deformity (webbed toes ). I said I thought that would make him a stronger swimmer. He said he is a brilliant swimmer but is too embarrassed to show his bare feet in public. He said there was only so many times you could wear a verruca sock.

He does have a sensitive side that I just love. He rubbed arnica cream into my elbow and we snuggled up in front of ‘Two and a half Men’.

I have agreed to spend weekend at his . It will give me a break from Memory foam.

Numbness didn’t wear off until half ten so I had a tin of Heinz tomato soup. Manda and I sat up chatting until midnight about life. Men, work, hairstyles of the rich and famous and plastic surgery.

I totally resented going to work today but I really need the money. Bloody captain Kirk makes work a right misery. Told Rex that I can’t take much more and God bless him he offered to take me on as an apprentice and said I could make my wages up by getting a little cleaning job but I had to refuse his kind offer as the travel expenses to and from the salon would almost wipe out my wages.

I did receive an email today from a college offering part time courses and I think I am interested in the dog grooming one. I have always liked dogs and they can’t answer you back. I have took a leap of faith and have paid online for the course. It starts in November. Once I am qualified I will try and rent somewhere and maybe open up my own doggy salon. I am excited about the future.

Dreading tomorrow as have my first root filling appointment. More money that I don’t have.

Manda was home when I got back. Her hair almost looks the same as it was pre bob. It is a nicer colour though. The extensions are very natural looking and her hair looks like Cheryl Cole’s. She has had to keep the fringe but she assures me she will grow it out. She has to have her extensions maintained every six weeks and the London salon have given her the address of this woman in our neck of the woods who does them from home.

I told her about Kirk and about my dog grooming course. She reminded me that I was allergic to dogs that molt and that I would need to drive as I would need to go to the wholesalers.

I had mini panic attack and burst in to tears. Manda went online and found a telephone number. She telephoned and told the person that I have learning difficulties and that I had made a terrible mistake. They reluctantly refunded my money which should go into my account within three days.

I calmed down after that and Manda said if I had finished my anti biotics we could go out.

Got dolled up and went into Manchester with Tracey, Gus and Rex. There was a terrible atmosphere between Rex and Manda at first but once the alcohol had loosened her up, she and Rex embraced and she conceded that the Anna Wintour style bob had been her idea. Rex was so relieved he ordered champagne and said he would maintain her extensions at a discounted price.

Anyway I only had a few drinks as work tomorrow and anti biotics probably still in my bloodstream.

Early night. Dread the bloody memory foam bed. I reckon prisoners must sleep on these types of beds. It is a good punishment.

Kirk watched over us all day as we were doing our overtime. Hate is a strong word but it pretty much sums up my feelings for him. Mr Macdonald was in and he was whispering to Kirk and they kept looking over at me. I feel more paranoid than ever.

After lunch the Nazi came over to check on how much work I had done. I got into trouble for not securing a new order even though I explained that the company had not got back in touch despite me leaving several messages. He told me that was a poor excuse and that I should have used my initiative and sent a fax detailing our figures.

During my lunch hour I looked at the job ads but not much for an unqualified thirty four year old. If I had a degree I could secure a management role at Asda superstore. If I was black or disabled I would have been welcome at the Inland Revenue. Alas I am doomed to stay in this hideous job.

I decided to finish at three as could not take any more.

I went to the precinct and bought some nibbles for tonight and a bottle of schloer. Then went home, had a relaxing bath and got in to my pyjamas.

Rex rang to ask if Manda had forgiven him. I told him she was still in London and not due back until tomorrow. He said he would have done her extensions at half the price but I reminded him that Manda detests him right now.

Tracey came over but she didn’t drink to offer me moral support. Her date awful. Jim kept talking dirty. She said no matter what subject she was talking about, he would turn it around to sex. She said he was obviously a pervert . He talked to her chest all night and his chat up line was “Get your gums around my plums.” She texted her other friend from work with the message ‘code red’. Her friend then rang her and she pretended to Jim that there was an emergency at work and that she had to leave immediately.

She is going speed dating next week.