Diary of a CyberChondriac

Manda has phoned in sick. I know there is nothing physically wrong with her as I live with her at the moment.

She swanned in last night and showed me her new bob. She was swishing her head this way and that and she kept saying that she loved it, wished she had done it years ago, it took years off her.

Well that only lasted an hour. She became hysterical and started hyperventilating (I had to open my laptop and look up symptoms, red face and neck, quick breathing, choking for air, uncontrollable sobbing.) Google said it could be a panic attack which I should know all about. When she had calmed down she said it was the first time ever that her hair had been shorter than mine. She implored me with her puppy dog red rimmed eyes that I too should get my hair cut in to a bob. I told her that last time I had a bob I ended up looking like Ken Dodd.

To cut a long story short, she is not speaking to Rex,she may sue him and she has gone to London today to have hair extensions put in by the same hairdresser that used to work for the Spice Girls. It is going to cost three thousand pounds but she is putting it on her credit card (which was maxed out the last time I asked. )

I told Kirk that she had gastric flu and he said he hoped it wasn’t because she didn’t like her new hair style. He is a complete freak.

It just means more work for Bernice and myself. Kirk said he would be issuing sick warnings from now on. Oooh I feel like setting the Hubbard’s on him.

Mark texted me to ask me out but I told him can’t drink until next week and have overtime all weekend. He was persistent so I agreed to let him come to Manda’s for a DVD and a curry. I told him I definitely couldn’t see him tomorrow as I already had plans. (Watching the X factor with a carpet picnic )

Actually Tracey is coming over and she will fill me in on her date.

Am really missing my own bed. Manda’s spare room bed is memory foam. So bloody uncomfortable. I tossed and turned all night. Also I could hear her and Gus having sex in her room. I may have to rethink my plans. My mum has offered me my old room (still has Tears for Fears poster and pink cloud wallpaper ) but am not too keen. Dad only allows us two squares of toilet roll for a number two and one square for a number one. I remember the first time I got my flat, I practically used a whole roll to wipe my bum. It was bliss.

Very busy at work today, I wore normal work clothes as new rules don’t start until Monday. I rang mum in my lunch hour and told her not to ring me at work anymore as have new Nazi style boss. She told me that Anita has been offered a four bedroomed in William Hague Way (five minutes from Neil Kinnock Crescent where mum and dad live.)

The previous tenants (the Hubbard’s) have been evicted due to disturbance of the peace, GBH and rent arrears. She is going to see it tonight during Ivan’s tea break. Mum reckons it won’t be very nice inside as the Hubbard’s are soap dodgers, work dodgers and general scum of the estate.

Rex has persuaded Manda to come to the salon tonight for a restyle. She said it will fit in with her new ways of being a one man woman. I reminded her that she makes her normal stylist use a ruler to cut the exact half a centimetre every six weeks. She assured me that it is time for change.

Rex emailed me (I had warned him not to ring as I want to get a good reference ). Transform consultant said the toe operation was a major operation and he would be off his feet for six to eight weeks. He also said he didn’t feel an operation was necessary. He wasn’t going to to dissuaded so he compromised and is booked in a fortnight before Christmas to have liposuction on his stomach. I told him I had seen more fat on a butcher’s apron but he gave a strong argument about middle age spread. He told me to come to the salon tonight so I agreed as he always provides pino grigiot and marks and spencers’s nibbles. It’s like a night out. Oh no, just remembered cannot drink. I hate the dentist and everything he stands for.

I emailed Rex and said that only Manda and Gus would be coming. (Those black stools gave me quite a turn, I will have to behave for another few days. )

Went around to Mark’s instead and he gave me a card and went “Da - Dah!”. He’s only gone and bought me a block of twenty driving lessons. Of course I had to act pleased. I have already had that instructor six years ago and he banned me from ever getting in his car again. I will have to either come clean to Mark, phone ABC School of motoring and explain and maybe get a refund or lastly, sell lessons on Ebay.

Mark said quite proudly that he got the lessons for free as Mungo did some business for this guy, the instructor.

I gave Mark the arnica cream and he was really touched. I helped him massage it in but he said he could manage and shooed me away.

I told him I wasn’t feeling too well and that I needed to go to my mum’s. He gave me a lift to mum’s house. I told him I wasn’t sure when I could see him again as had loads of overtime at work. (I need to think of an excuse about driving lessons.)

I ended up going to number 66 William Hague Way with whole family.

Horrendous. A filthy tip. Oven had never seen a brillo pad, carpets stained with dog excrement and human excrement, woodchip wallpaper on every wall in the house. It stunk to high heaven. The garden was huge but had a burnt out shed, a heavily soiled mattress, numerous broken toys, cigarette ends, empty cans, a melted wheely bin and several panty liners.

Anita is ringing the council tomorrow to say she will take the house.

Well what a night at Manda’s mum’s house. She has even more religious icons than last time I was there. As we started scraping the spare room we heard her downstairs playing her Bontempi organ. She was singing her usual hymn ‘Walk in the light’. Manda reckons she is trying to make her see the error of her ways. We scraped for over three hours (we did take six fag breaks mind you ). Cynthia (Manda’s mum ) did not offer us a cup of tea, not so much as a glass of holy water.

She is only in her late sixties but looks about eighty. She has always worn tweed, shin length skirts and polyester jumpers. Oh and always sensible shoes. She refers to Manda’s shoes as ‘death traps’.

As we put our coats on to leave she asked Manda when she was going to settle down. Manda told her mum that she will let her know when she is ready.

Cynthia said “Alas, I will never be a grandmother.” She then proceeded to show us the hideous floral wallpaper that she had bought from the pound shop and asked us when we would be around to decorate. Manda informed her that we were working overtime but she would see what she could arrange and get back to her. She didn’t see us out, instead she returned to the dining room, Emmerdale blaring from the television and began to play ‘Walk in the light’ again.

Manda said to me that the last time she had tried to walk in the light, she hurt her eyes and had to put her Ray bans on.

Went to Mark’s tonight to find out what the surprise was and I was a bit disappointed. The surprise was that his cast had been removed. I told him I was pleased for him but I think he could tell I had bigger expectations. Anyway we played on the Wii for a bit and just chatted. God bless him, he has offered to decorate for Cynthia but only if I help. I told him he didn’t know what he was letting himself in for. He is not a Catholic like myself and Manda so I know she will give him a hard time of it.

Mark still can’t drive but he gave me the money for a taxi as it was dark outside. He said it was about time I learned to drive. I told him I have to concentrate on finding a new job first. He said that being able to drive would have widened my choices as travel would not be an issue. I just shrugged.

I haven’t told Mark that I have failed my test eleven times. Only Manda and Tracey know. Too ashamed to tell anyone else. I just go to pieces behind the wheel. I have tried female instructors, old instructors, young instructors, Manda as my instructor, Tracey as my instructor but all to no avail.

I will be agitated tonight because of this. I thought I had buried my driving lesson past.

Just before bed I went on google to look for ideas to speed up Mark’s recovery. It said heat, ice and Arnica cream were good so I will buy him some tomorrow. It will show I care.

Kirk called a meeting during a lull at work. He wants at least one of us at our desk during twelve and two to cover the phones so no more boozy lunches.

He has also divided out the contracts by alphabetical order and I am the latter half of the alphabet so I am still dealing with George Wimpy Homes. Good for me as it means Mark can still ring me on pretence of work matters.

He said if we take a cigarette break we have to take it during tea break or lunch break. This caused a few rumblings amongst us. He is obviously a bastard. Turns out he is Mr. Macdonalds’s nephew. Quelle Surpreez! He is power crazy. He said no more jeans and trainers for work from now on. We have to come to work smartly dressed.

Manda argued that we do not see members of the public. He said if we are dressed smartly, we will work more efficiently whereas if we come to work dressed casually, we may adopt a lazy, relaxed attitude.

Manda asked if we perhaps should get an allowance to cover the new clothing we would have to buy. Kirk said absolutely not as he had ordered uniform for us. Before Manda could protest he said that he had guessed our sizes and we should have them by next week.

I told Kirk that I could not wear a skirt as I didn’t feel comfortable showing my legs but he assure me the uniform comes with two pairs of trousers in the company’s new purple . God, purple trousers! I hate purple.

He closed the meeting by saying that he would check on our work output twice a week to make sure targets were being met.

Manda says she is going to call him Captain Kirk. I told Manda I was going to the job centre next day off I have (my birthday ). In the mean time I will scour the small ads in local paper to see if any jobs going. I know places are starting to recruit for Christmas. I can see myself in Debenhams actually. No stress.

Mr Macdonald breezed into the office after lunch to ask how we liked the new assistant manager. We all just smiled through gritted teeth. I will be needing a reference.

Mark texted me to tell me he has a surprise and could I call around tonight. Unfortunately I can’t because I am going to Manda’s mum’s house. I promised her last week. We are scraping the spare bedroom as she is expecting her niece to come and stay for a few weeks as she is starting at Manchester university.

Manda’s mum is a right God botherer. She is as my dad calls her ‘a sanctimonious old cow’.

Fed up with work. I only had Sunday off last week because of overtime. New guy started in the office, although when boss away he will sit in his room. His name is Kirk, he is fresh from college. Very enthusiastic (you are when you are that age! ) and he has loads of ideas about where changes can be made. Manda, Bernice and myself not happy as we think we may not get away with skiving from now on.

Anyway because I have been there the longest I have been told to take him under my wing. I will have to send him on errands when I want to go on google or make personal calls. Manda says she is attracted to him but thinks he is only in his early twenties. I told her she was being monogamous from now on anyway.

Because Kirk was so keen to please we sent him on sandwich run and gave him really complicated orders. Manda asked for a mozzarella, tomato and pesto poonani. We all sniggered behind his back. I remember my mum telling me that on her first day at the factory, the supervisor had sent her on an errand to get tartan thread. She knew it must have been a prank as it was a biscuit factory she was working in. The people must not have been very bright.

Whilst he was away I managed to google my stool problem again. I haven’t been at all yet today so too early to say.

Rex texted me to say it’s his day off and he has decided to go to a Dentist in town to see about teeth whitening. I knew he would become addicted. He also has an appointment next week at Transform to have his toes corrected. I just think this is a complete waste of money as nobody ever sees his toes. He argued that it would give him more confidence when having sexual intercourse.

The problem is, he explained in great detail, that the toe next to his big toe is longer than his big toe. I feigned horror and said that he definitely must get that corrected as he was a freak of nature. (I didn’t tell him about my double toenail on my pinky, as I think he may have vomited. )

Invited to mum’s for tea tonight, apparently everyone going. Mum wants to see everyone before she gets her bunions done. You would think she was having a heart transplant. I will be on my guard because I have a feeling that she will want someone to do housework, feed dad and mind Doreen’s mutt.

Tea at mum’s started off all right. Julian and I making fun of Ivan to Anita. Of course Ivan wasn’t there because he is working all the hours God sends.

He had an airport run and that’s five packets of nappies according to Anita. My mum told her she should use terry nappies and steep them in a bucket like she did. Julian said as Anita is the youngest those nappies must have been well stained by the time she wore them. Mum’s lips went thin and she assured Anita that she had bought a new packet with every pregnancy.

I painted Chanel’s fingernails for her. She insisted I painted every nail a different colour so it took ages. I asked her if she was excited about the new babies bot she just pulled a face and said “dad says the house is bloody crowded already.”

Mum hassled me about introducing Mark to the family. I told her I would rather chew tinfoil than let Mark meet my family. Her lips went very thin this time and so I told her I would wait until after her operation.

Julian has a huge love bite on his neck which he tried to cover with concealer but we noticed straight away. It’s pathetic really at his age. He should know that concealer won’t work! His new love interest is a young dolly bird from his office. She is a temp so he says there will be no complications when he finishes with her as she is only on a short contract. Poor girl. He told me in private that she is a complete air head but she plays a mean fiddle. Oh purleeze! Too much information or TMI as Miles says.

Anita says she is going to ask friends to be godparents to the scotch eggs (new babies ) as she thinks Julian and I are not good role models. I argued that we both work and are law abiding citizens. She said we spend far too much time drinking and fornicating. Can’t say I am bothered about being relieved of god parenting duties.

She was wearing a brand new maternity outfit from Next as she said she gave the last lot to charity. Apparently she had offered them to Doreen, mum’s neighbour but she couldn’t even get her arm in let alone her body. Talking of Doreen, she is expected out of hospital in a week but she has to have a district nurse in for at least a fortnight. Turns out her gastric sleeve operation was a partial success. Julian said Doreen could give her old clothes to the scouts for them to camp out in. Mum tutted but she was definitely trying to stifle a smile.

Following huge roast chicken dinner at mum’s I have had a motion and it is back to normal. Thank you Lord.

Dreading work tomorrow. Kirk is going to have a staff meeting to discuss changes. I don’t take well to change. I still wear my blusher in an eighties stripe, I have eaten frosties for my supper since always and I had to have counseling when I had cable TV installed. God help me if we change to the Euro.

Anything is possible. Looks like dreary Gordon Brown is going to lose the next election. If the Tories get in we are doomed. I still remember the John Major years. My dad was unemployed, pensioners did not get heating allowance, Youth Training Schemes were the norm.

I am in a very pensive mood tonight. Miles was doing Michael Jackson impressions in style of Bo Selecta and it made me think of learning the dance to the ‘Thriller’ video when I was younger. Since his death I cannot look at my exfoliating glove!

Off to Beddy Byes.

Show was a huge success. Rex put temporary extensions in my hair and it went to my waist. Amazing! My real hair is only shoulder length at the moment but am deffo going to grow it now. Three other models were in Rex’s team. Two of them were professionals. They were gorgeous but bitchy.

There was no sign of the ‘tusk’ as I was airbrushed to within an inch of my life. Two z list celebrities turned up (you will have seen them in Heat, Now, Star etc, the types who turn up to the opening of an envelope ), one of them had been in Big Brother 5 and the other got through to the bootcamp stage of x factor in 2007.

I was given a fabulous catsuit to wear which I thought I would never carry off as I am so short but it was altered behind the scenes. I shimmied down the catwalk and I had to hold a hairdrier and point the nozzle as if I was holding a gun. Well cool!

There was champagne and canapes afterwards and I chatted to Gus, Mitchell, Mungo and Babs. Mark and I left just after midnight.

On the down side, I haven’t been too well this morning. My poo is very runny and is a bit tarry. Looked up on google and it said any change in stool habits should be reported to GP immediately. Am very worried. This is it, the big one. I think might have crohns disease or cancer.

Very quiet at Mark’s. Told him about my concerns and I burst out crying. He said he would ring Mungo and ask his private doctor to come and see me.

Doctor James rang me within the hour and asked me a series of questions. It was concluded that I was suffering the after affects of mixing strong anti biotics with huge amounts of alcohol. He said he would send me another short course of anti biotics over by motorbike courier and that I should take them and under no circumstances should I drink alcohol. Well I am so relieved. Mind he did say that if stools did not return back to my normal rabbits droppings I should visit my own GP for further investigation.

I rang Mungo and thanked him but he said it was ‘no problemo, any time’.

Told Mark I was very embarrassed but he said he knew I was a worrier and not to worry about what he thinks as he still worships me. He then made me wear the catsuit and recreate the catwalk pose.

We made love. Was great. Lasted ages and was trembling afterwards. Still no sign of period. I then gave Mark a massage. He said he had to be honest and that I was terrible at massage. I won’t take it personally although I secretly wondered if any of his previous girlfriends were good with their hands.

At four o clock I still had not heard from Tracey so I rang her. She said date not brilliant. She said Colin was a vegan. I told her I didn’t like ‘ Star Trek’ and she said “Not a Vulcan Carla, a vegan, he doesn’t eat meat or wear anything made from animals.” She said being a vegan suited him as he had cauliflower ears.

I asked her if he had an unusually shaped dick, perhaps a parsnip but she said she didn’t see his bits. She won’t be seeing him again.

Apart from the ears, his dress sense was non existent. It must have been bad as Tracey not that bothered with fashion. Anyhow, she has another date on Thursday night with a guy from Cheshire called Jim.

Went home (Manda’s ) by taxi at ten as really tired with the day’s worries bearing heavily upon me. I will say a prayer tonight for my stools to return to normal.

Tracey texted me to say she has a date tonight with someone from the internet dating site. All she knows is his name is Colin and he is 45 years old.

I told her Colin is a bit of a nerdy name with the exception of Colin Firth and Colin Farrell. She said 45 is a bit older than she had hoped but beggars can’t be choosers. We discussed what she should wear and agreed that a simple drink at the pub should be casual yet smart. A difficult look to pull off for Tracey as she spends her life in combat trousers and slogan t-shirts.

Work very busy. Phone never stopped ringing, orders being chased up. My mum called me in between the melee to inform me that Doreen had undergone her gastric sleeve operation and there had been complications and the hospital could not give her a date for getting out.

This means she is stuck with smelly Claude, the spaniel.

She is in panic mode as she is going into hospital on my birthday to have her bunions done. I told her she had nearly two weeks and I was sure Doreen would be out by then. I said if not, dad would have to look after Claude. She said dad had told her that he would not give up the allotment to mind someone elses dog.

Spot situation not good. There is a definite increase in the size of the swelling. It’s also shiny, and no amount of powder will cover redness. No sign of eriod so spot may be a rogue outbreak.

Anita rang me to tell me the babies she is carrying are now the size of a scotch egg. I informed her that I had something growing on my forehead that was bigger than a scotch egg (slight exaggeration, but only slight mind ), any way she said I was insensitive and she would not bother telling me anything else about my future nephews/nieces. She said I had better get a move on if I wanted kids as my fertility was dropping daily. I told her I was too important and busy to talk to her.

Also toothache back with a vengeance. Think alcohol must have cancelled out healing properties of anti biotics. See what Mr Singh says next time.

Have to sign off now as dashing around Manda’s trying to get ready for hair show. Mitchell picking me up in half an hour.