Diary of a CyberChondriac

Rex rang, he had the Botox injections yesterday and his wrinkles are still there. He is in a panic that he won’t look his best for tomorrow at the Hair show. I googled it and told him it can take five to seven days for wrinkles to disperse. I advised he use Smashbox mineral foundation. He called me a smart arse and said he wants a refund. He is also considering having his teeth lightened by lasers because years of chain smoking have left them somewhat yellowy.

I told him that google advises to get an impression made at the dentist and wear the tooth whitening trays at home because laser whitening can cause bad sensitivity. He said he would have to go private because he had had a one night stand with his bi-sexual dentist and had promised to ring him but had not bothered.

I told him not to go to my dentist as they are old fashioned (not even computerised yet and it’s 2009 ). Also Mr Singh has bad breath and failing eyesight.

Rex said he will be very busy tomorrow so Mitchell is picking me up at five thirty. I reminded him that was living at Manda’s. I told him about eruption in between eyebrows. I advised him I was possibly growing a tusk. He said as long as it’s not a beard or a tache he can deal with it (note to self, must tweezer out my wiry menstrual bristle hair from chin. )

Had fab night at Manda’s. Tracey, Bernice and Claire came. I managed to avoid her for most of the night but she had brought photos from Rome. I saw Manda look uncomfortable when the Roman soldier one came up.

I have asked for a couple to copy (I look fairly young, and hair is tidy.)

We drank Mojitos and white wine. We played our normal game of ‘would you shag him?’ about people from the telly. We all agreed (except Claire ) that we would shag Simon Cowell as he has this air of power about him. We reckon he would like a girl to be a dirty ride and we all concurred that he would have some sort of magic power over us and that we would agree to whatever sexual demands he asked of us. Gerard Butler was a definite along with Dermot O’Leary.

Went to my new bed very drunk so should sleep ok. Texted Mark before lights out and he informed me that Rex had invited him tomorrow night so he is coming with Mungo and Babs. I told him I cannot drink as am on anti biotics ( I don’t count those mojitos tonight as they were medicinal.) He said he is not drinking anyway as still on crutches. Anyhow, I agreed to sleep at his tomorrow night. He is hoping to get cast removed on Monday.

My period must be due because I am getting my ‘third eye’ (an enormous blind spot between my eyebrows). I don’t know why they are called blind spots because you would have to be blind not to see the fecker. Maybe I should paint it with nail varnish in style of a bhindi.

Anyway sometimes I get weepy when I am due on and other times I have an awful temper. I think it depends whether it’s the left or the right ovary.

Rex rang me at work to ask me if I could do some hair modelling for him as he is doing a hair show and he wanted to show the best example of his straightening treatment from Japan. I said I would do it as long as my make up could cover any future menstrual spottage. He said his best make up artist would take years off me by applying Smashbox mineral foundation. I told him I have been using Clinique foundation and loose powder since I was seventeen.

He said “Carla, it is so eighties pet, anyone who is anyone is using minerals.” I agreed to keep him happy. It is this Saturday night and he said Manda and Gus are coming to support him (he narrowly missed the trophy last year ).

Work relatively quiet although Manda assures me that the itch has subsided. She said she is definitely a new woman and that if Gus doesn’t find out about her venereal disease episode, she is going to try and make things work with him. I told her he has probably had infections himself in the past but she covered her ears and said she and him were a fresh start.

Finished my packing and am moving to Manda’s tomorrow night. We are going to have a girly night to celebrate my moving in. Am really looking forward to it but I shall miss my own bed that’s for sure. I paid a small fortune for my mattress as it’s half sprung and half memory foam.

My mum said she is going to buy a memory foam pillow for dad as he keeps forgetting things.

Looked up Mark’s injury on google and it said that he will be in pain for months. It’s a shame as I was thinking about booking us for a weekend away to make up for disastrous barbecue weekend. It’s my birthday in two weeks so it would have been a nice treat.

Oh well the last night in my own bed. Won’t be able to wear some of the normal flannelette jim jams I normally wear as Manda would never let me live it down. Am only going to take three pairs for the fortnight. Manda has a utility room with a washer/drier so will be fine.

I am going to pay Manda for my keep as well. I know she struggles with the mortgage on her own.

Night night walls, night night my cosy bed.

I tell you I will be glad to see the back of 2009.

Up all night with horrendous pain in my jaw. This morning I realised that the bloody tape had not worked so I will never know if I grind my teeth. I rang the dentist and explained that I thought I had toothache. She told me to come to the surgery at eight thirty and someone would fit me in. I texted Manda and asked her to cover for me at work.

I ended up with the worst dentist in the practice. Mr Singh. He should have retired years ago and has shocking halitosis. I felt like offering him a polo mint but thought better of it.

He asked me if I was pregnant then proceeded to take an x-ray, which showed that the nerve in my tooth has died and I need a root filling. He gave me a prescription for penicillin and I have to see him in two weeks for a forty minute appointment. Oh joy. I bloody hate root fillings. I have had three altogether. Painful, uncomfortable and very expensive. I blame my mother for not breast feeding me as a baby. She said she
didn’t want to end up with spaniels ears. No, instead she deprived me, her precious offspring of essential calcium. She said if she had have been wealthy she would have paid a wet nurse to feed me. I am glad I was born into poverty as I could have sucked the nipple of a potential mass murderer.

It is just as well I have a months worth of overtime as I will be skint after dental bill, not to mention rent increase.

Work ok but I still feel really anxious despite being on high dose of prozac. I think the whole dental debacle has aggravated my nerve endings. I rang Mark and he was really sweet. He told me to go to his tonight and he will cook (well he can’t actually stand without crutches so he will order a ready cooked chicken and ready washed salad from Tesco).

Told Manda that Gus was getting paranoid but she said everything fine as he had arrived unannounced last night and she had told him the bladder infection excuse and he had bought it, and settled for a ‘ham shank’ instead (Manda’s words, not mine).

Rex emailed me at work. He is going to have botox at the weekend as someone in a bar thought he was thirty nine. He is actually thirty four so he was devastated. I told him he didn’t need poison injecting. He said it’s botox not heroin. He said it was no biggy and that some of his clients had it done in their lunch hour. I told him he would end up addicted and he may look like the bride of Wildenstein, or worse, Jackie Stallone. He said he would rather look like the bride of Wildenstein than have wrinkles.

God he is so vain. He already spends a fortune on expensive face creams and anti ageing masks. He offered for me to have it in my forehead but I declined as I cannot afford to keep having it done. Once it wears off I would look ancient. I think I will wait until my fifties then have a full body and face lift like Sharon Osbourne.

Rex informed me that Mercedes is having fertility treatment as she has not been able to get pregnant. I told Rex, her womb is like her personality…..hostile.

She will have a nanny anyway. I don’t know why she is bothering. I bet she ends up with a surrogate.

Manda still very itchy down below. She said it’s like thrush but times a million. I have told her a billion times to stop exaggerating.

Massive order at work so manager says there will be weekend overtime available and he may take on an assistant manager as he has to go away on business. He made himself sound really important. Smug git. Still the extra money will come in handy. Maybe one of these days I will be able to buy my own flat instead of renting from that Jewish sod.

Mum rang. Anita is further along than she thought and they think she must have had a breakthrough bleed. She is expecting twins. Well it couldn’t have happened to a nicer person! Apparently, Ivan is on prozac but he can’t go on the sick because he won’t get paid. Poor Bastard. Still he should have kept it in his troosers.

I was having an okay sort of day as work goes and I started getting an awful dull pain in the top right of my jaw. I looked it up on google and said it could be a condition called TMJ caused by teeth grinding or whiplash, an abscess or tension in the muscles. Well I am not sure whether I grind my teeth (will set a tape up tonight to record my night noises ), I do not have whiplash but I am always tense so may be that. Will wait to hear results of grinding experiment before I seek medical advice.

Tracey came over tonight to help me start packing. She is joining an internet dating site. I helped her with her profile. It asked what type of man she wanted to meet. She said “Carla, I just want to meet someone who will love me and care for me”. I told her that made her sound needy and desperate so we agreed on average attractiveness, over five feet seven, medium build, no baldies, white collar worker preferable, must have own teeth, must not dye hair, no peanut allergy sufferers, no vasectomy receivers, no kids, must have own property and car.

I am sure she will get loads of responses – not! We have used her best photo, taken about ten years ago just after she came out of university. She looks so happy and hopeful. Little did she know she would end up in the Civil Service!

She has never used her degree really, except once she mentioned it on an application form for the TV show ‘Eggheads’. Her team never got accepted. Shame as Tracey is very photogenic and would have looked fab on TV.

Rex rang while Tracey was there. He had heard about me having to move and offered me a bed but I declined his kind offer. He asked if anything was wrong with Manda as Gus got the feeling she was trying to avoid him. I told him she was really into him and that we have big thing on at work at the moment. Rex sniggered and said he didn’t know there would ever be a rush on for bog seats. I informed him that we supply to all the big names as well as hotel chains and the local councils. He said ‘keep your hair on missus, was only joking, thought you were going to retrain anyway?”. I told him I was still thinking about it. He asked me to come to his friends housewarming party on Saturday night but I had to refuse as am working overtime at the weekend.

Poor Manda. She came in to work at eleven. She is very tearful. We sent Bernice on the sandwich run to get her out of the way.

Manda says she has definitely caught something from that Roman soldier. She said the lady at the clinic took swabs from her fanny and has given her a strong dose of antibiotics which she must take for ten days.

She cannot have sex for two weeks. She is going to tell Gus she has a bladder infection and that the anti biotics are canceling out her contraceptive injection.

She said she has learned her lesson and she is no longer going to be promiscuous (I will belive it when I see it! ). She said Gus had left her a voicemail and said he was looking forward to a catch up bonk so she had texted him and said she was working late all this week and that I was moving in with her on Friday. She said that will buy her some time.

Called in to mum’s after work to give her the Rosary beads. She was thrilled but annoyed that I had not told her about trip. I told her was all last minute but I had brought her two hundred ciggies so she forgave me.

Her neighbour has gone in for her gastric sleeve operation so mum is looking after her dog. It absolutely stinks. It’s a cocker spaniel called Claude and it is fat and has saggy chops. Not a cute canine at all.

Mum is going to the scan tomorrow with Anita as Ivan too busy doing extra shifts. Mum said he started selling cans of cheap pop at the car boot sale but he was told he couldn’t sell them as the organisers of the boot sale had all the rights on selling food and drinks. Out of spite he gave them away free so he is now a hundred quid down. Anita is livid!

Mum says they have put their names on the council list for a four bed roomed house.

Went to Mark’s at seven and it went well. He is on crutches so I helped him clean the flat and I got us a take away from the Chinese.

I told him about moving to Manda’s and he became dead sulky as he wanted me to move in with him. I said it was too soon but maybe I could stay one or two nights.

Because he can’t drive I just walked home. I have my rape alarm so didn’t feel nervous. Also I took a self defence class last year so know how to handle myself even if I am only little.

Still feeling bit agitated so I hope my anxiety management course gets in touch soon.

Poor Manda. She thinks she might have a bladder infection. We looked up her symptoms on google. Burning when peeing and a pain in her groin area. Google did not mention a pain in that area. It said you may encounter pain the lower back or kidney area. I didn’t like to say anything to Manda but I suspect she may have caught an STI (sexually transmitted infection ). Google did mention that it would burn when you pee and you may get a sharp pain in the groin area. It said you may also get green sores on your genitals (euch! ).

She has been such a laugh on this weekend away she doesn’t deserve to catch anything as horrid as that Still, I suppose she did have unprotected sex with the Roman soldier. She said she didn’t go all the way with the German guy although she did see his bratwurst sausage.

We enjoyed our last day in the Capital. Tracey and I went shopping. There was an outdoor market on so I bought a Prada handbag for twenty five euros and some costume jewellery. Tracey bought a Louis Vuitton suitcase for a hundred euros. Is a brilliant copy as I have seen the celebrities in the OK magazines at the airports with their large pile of LV luggage.

Manda felt unwell so she and Claire went ahead to the airport.

Tracey and I swapped all her stuff into the new case and we checked in for our flight home.

When we found Manda and Claire, Manda was crying and Claire was telling her off.

Manda told me she thought she might have caught something from that Roman soldier as she was really itchy down below. I calmed her down and said we would go straight to the 24 hour pharmacy when we got back to Manchester. She said she thinks she loves Gus and feels really guilty for cheating on him.

I told her to just put it out of her mind and start afresh with Gus. I believe in these situations, clearing your conscience does not help the other party. Even if it eases your guilt.

Flight not as bad as there were loads of empty seats so I sat with Tracey. I poured my heart out to her about Mark. Tracey thinks he really loves me and that I am being a fool for punishing him about Jennifer. She said he will find someone else and that I was not getting any younger ( she reminded me that I will be 35 in a months time.)

Claire’s boyfriend was picking us up from airport. I could not believe my eyes when I saw him. He looks exactly like one of the Chuckle brothers. I guess it has made me realise how gorgeous Mark is.

Am now back at my flat and I am gutted. I have a letter from my landlord. I have to vacate the property next Saturday as the place is being rewired and a new central heating system is being installed. As a result my rent is going up. What a bloody cheek.
I have been getting electric shocks for the past three and a half years. He should be giving me compensation.

Mark had left three massages telling me he misses me and he hopes I have a great weekend in Rome (Rex had mentioned to Mungo .)

I rang Manda straight away and she said the sachets she got from the chemist are not working so she is going to go to the STI clinic first thing. I said I would cover for her at work. I asked her if I would move in with her for a fortnight whilst my flat gets renovated and she agreed immediately.

I rang Mark when I was curled up in bed. He was nearly in tears. He said he really missed me and he loves me. I told him I thought I loved him. He said he understood that I have issues with trust and self esteem so he was pleased that I thought I loved him.

He said he has actually broken one of the bones in his ankle but the hospital have agreed to take his cast off next week so that he can return to work.

I assured him I would call after work tomorrow and we could have a good talk then.

The breakfast is abysmal. One type of cereal supposed to be corn flakes. It was certainly flakes of something but not corn. Stale bread rolls and apricot jam. I ask you ‘apricot jam!’. The most unpopular flavour in the UK and that’s what they offer us. I ended up having a luke warm cup of black coffee and took my pills. Too hung over to even attempt the paltry offerings of the breakfast buffet (not a spread or a buffet to tell you the truth).

We had pre booked tickets to go on a planned tour today.

Got on bus with the girls at ten am.

Had to get off bus at ten fifteen as Manda vomited and some of offending liquid ran down centre of bus. One of the other tourists complained (Chinese elderly lady, floppy hat, huge camera) and we were asked to get off bus. We were told we could not get a refund, but our ticket for the tour ensured a queue jump at the Colosseum and the Vatican.

We decided to walk a little to get our bearings and maybe find somewhere to eat.
We found a quaint outside cafe and ordered coffees and pastries. Delicious. Smoked several cigarettes as everyone smokes in Rome and we didn’t feel like leppers for a change.

Four men outside Colosseum in Roman soldier attire. They swooped on us straight away and put their arms around us, offering to have a photograph taken for fifty euros. We politely declined and they persisted. Then Manda whispered into one of their ears and he winked at her.

Colosseum fascinating. A beautiful place to visit steeped in history. After ten minutes Manda disappears. I texted her but no reply.

She returns half an hour later looking disheveled. She had been in the sandwich van/portakabin and had a quickie with one of the Roman soldiers. She said
it was true what they said about Roman Soldiers…………they have big helmets.

Had our photographs taken for free with Roman soldiers. I asked Manda if she felt guilty about cheating on Gus. She said “when in Rome make like the Romans, and anyway, Gus and I are not exclusive you know? Besides he was hung like a baboon.”

I wasn’t that fussed on the Vatican as I had been forced to spend an entire day there back in the 1980s when I went on a school trip with Saint Oswalds comprehensive. Still I felt obliged to take photos and I bought some fancy rosary beads for my mum.

We got the underground metro back to the hotel and had a nap. Once showered and looking glamorous we went out for a meal and then onto a nightclub which played distinctly dodgy music. I had not heard any of the songs before. Some slimy tourists from Germany tried to chat us up but there is something totally un sexy about the German accent. Still times are hard so we pretended to enjoy their company and let them ply us with drinks all night.

One of them took a particular shine to me and kept saying ‘klein Carla, you ist zo vunny and chute’. Unfortunately for me he had a ‘cling on’ style fringe and he danced very stiff (like he had shit his pants and his joints needing oiling ). Manda said it is true what they say about German men, they have big helmuts. She has no shame.

Tracey has had a man drought lately so she snogged the face off her German leech called Jon. She said he had a tongue like an electric eel, but his front two teeth were hanging out to dry so when they kissed his teeth rubbed against hers. Yakky poo poo!

Returned to hotel at one. Had to go straight to bed as we must vacate room by ten in the morning. We are not flying until tea time but we can leave our belongings at reception whilst we do more sightseeing tomorrow.