Diary of a CyberChondriac

Another Nightmare.  Am very very nervous and anxious about impending date with sexy builder called Mark.  My Irritable Bowel has flared up with all the stress.  I feel like canceling.  It is far simpler being single.  I have the worst flatulence ever and violent pains in my stomach.  I imagine they are like labour pains  (this is why I do not plan to procreate.)

Went on Google and advised me to take deep breaths, ensuring I am breathing correctly from the diaphragm as shallow breathing is not the correct way to breathe. I have also took a cocktail of tablets including Mebeverine, Buscopan and Immodium. Ironic that I have been constipated for eight days and now I could shit through the eye of a needle.  My arse is red raw (like one of those baboon documentaries).  I have thickened bum hole with Sudocrem and pray that redness subsides by tomorrow night.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like the sexy builder will be viewing my bottom.  Even if I was the type to “do it” on the first date I would insist on complete darkness and possibly even chloroform for the male participant.  No man should have to suffer my body insecurities.

I have always had a huge hang up about my flat chest,  and compensate by wearing push up bras but there is nowhere to hide when the bra comes off.  I look like a pubescent boy when I am topless.  Then there’s the dimples in my right butt cheek.  I have always felt it necessary to explain that the dimples are just that and not cellulite.  Mind only a female doctor has seen my bottom so far, as my longest relationship was eight months which was in the winter so managed to hide my flaws behind the dark evenings.

I have also decided not to start the antibiotics until Tuesday as I will have to have an alcoholic drink or ten on the date to loosen up.  I feel my personality not sparkling without six halves of Woodpecker.  Let’s be frank, not many men like talking about medical matters.  It would be no good hooking up with a doctor either as it would be like a Busman’s Holiday going out with me.

An early night for me tonight as I need my beauty sleep. I have to be up extra early to exfoliate and shave entire body.

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