Diary of a CyberChondriac

Keep thinking about my throat and can’t wait to phone for test results.

I rang for some results a couple of weeks ago. My periods had all but stopped and the doc sent me for blood tests to see if I was anaemic and she made me do a pregnancy test (even though I am not in a relationship. Well that’s putting it mildly as it’s been so long I think it may have healed up!) come to think of it that’s probably why period not coming. Its like there’s a cork up there.

Anyway I had rang for results at two o clock on the dot and results were normal. Felt gutted and robbed. I thought there may be some pills I could take to resume menstruation but narda!

As I have previously explained I am a bit of an oracle when it comes to medical matters. My mum (Peg) even gets her neighbours to ring me. There’s nothing I don’t know about the residents of Neil Kinnock Crescent.

I once got a phone call from mum’s best friend as she had awful blisters on the palms of her hands. I advised her it was probably an allergic reaction to a detergent she had been using but she insisted that she always, always wore rubber gloves (separate ones for the loo). To cut a long story short she had the medical profession bamboozled as no creams or ointments seemed to cure it. After I had slept on it for a few days I had a brainwave. It was stigmata. We all had our photos taken for the local paper. Mind all sorts came crawling out the woodwork. A man with a potato shaped like John The Baptist and a wooden toilet seat with mother Theresa’s face. All in the same street. Very spooky I thought.

I have felt a bit dizzy this afternoon. Probably the stress of waiting for the swab results. Also I haven’t had a movement for three days despite taking senokot religiously. Something not right.

I looked up constipation on Google and it said I probably wasn’t eating enough roughage or drinking enough water. The site advised I do some squats to massage the colon.

In bed in agony. Was doing my third squat and I put my back out. I am waiting for the physiotherapist to ring me at home. I rang NHS Direct and they advised to ring physio and apply heat and ice alternatively. Freezer empty save a tub of Ben and Jerry’s Phish food so am waiting for some ice cubes to set. It’s like watching paint dry.

Keep checking on them but not even slush yet.

Trackback URI | Comments RSS