Diary of a CyberChondriac

Mum invited me after work as she wanted me to sign Doreen’s ‘Get Well’ card. Mum says it is the least we can do as Doreen doesn’t have any family.

I got there just after six by the time I had popped to the library to return some overdue books. God bless her she had made me a lasagne (from Iceland, the freezer shop, not the country .)

After tea she thrust the card under my nose. I noticed straight away that Julian had written ‘Keep your chins up’ but I omitted to tell mum as she would have gone ballistic. Anita had written some sycophantic message. She hardly knows her. Anita is a real snob so she has always shyed away from people who suffer afflictions, you know, smokers, morbidly obese people, people with tattoos, people with black roots and her main one is people who eat in the street. She once crossed the road years ago when she saw Julian in town eating a saveloy. She pretended she had not seen him.

Mum and I then took Claude for a walk. I had to get out as my throat was starting to get itchy. We let him off his lead on the school field. The school has closed down now, Tony Blair art and history technical college. It used to be called Weatherley Comprehensive but changed it’s name to fit in with mum’s estate, but it closed down a couple of months ago. It got a really bad reputation. Anyway, Claude went missing. Mum was in a right panic as she knows that Doreen worships him.

After ten minutes of shouting like fish wives, we found him, rolling in ecstasy on a used sanitary towel.

We took him back and bathed him in the back garden as he is too fat to lift into bath. We need a hoist really. Am sure Doreen has one.

Went home to Manda’s and rang my Landlord to find out when I can move back in. He said it will probably be another two weeks as there has been problems with the builders turning up. I said I thought it was just getting a new central heating system. He said some problems with the electric and plumbing had been uncovered and they had found damp .

My little flat is going to be a tip. Feel really weepy. Elbow throbbing and I have came on my period. The tusk had started to shrink so thought period not coming.

I just keep thinking about all the bad stuff in my life like my job, my flat, hiatus hernia, irritable bowel syndrome, depression, anxiety, tennis elbow,
allergies, OCD……….

Nothing to look forward to. I need a holiday. Got my birthday next week booked off so think will book myself in for a massage and facial.

Dentist tomorrow at five so will go after work.

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