Diary of a CyberChondriac

Felt really unwell so rang in sick.  I was wake all through the night with terrible pains in my back and a really high temperature.  At one point I was hallucinating.  I still remember the image.  I married sexy builder underwater in style of Little Mermaid and we had two children both with webbed feet. I have made a telephone appointment with doctor as am too weak to walk the ten minutes to the surgery.  I could have taken a taxi but I have dated three of the drivers from my local taxi rank and couldn’t risk it as am not looking my best.  I settled down to watch GMTV with Dr Hilary giving advice about Swine Flu.  Even though people are dying he said not to panic as most cases are mild.  I am ill with worry about swine flu.  I obviously had my normal flu jab in November at my local Asda Superstore (not that local as it is seventeen miles away) but this vaccine gives no immunity from dreaded Swine Flu.  Dr Hilary says to use good hygiene and disinfect all surfaces at home and work. (not to self, take huge supply of anti-bacterial wipes to work next week). I have already started carrying anti-bacterial hand gel in my handbag for use outside as there are some horrible people who get my bus and it’s not the chav kids.  They are really clean and smell of designer perfume and after shave.  The drivers stink mind.  Really strong BO and their hands must be riddled with potential swine flu germs due to large handling of money.

Just spoken to Doctor Bloomfield.  He thinks I may have a kidney infection and I have to drop another sample to surgery asap.  I rang my sister but she is on way to have a Brazilian wax.  She wants to practice to see if she can go hairless for our holiday to Benidorm.  I explained to her that Benidorm is not St.Tropez and that you are very likely to see droopy ‘spaniel ear’ boobs and lots of pubic hair (mainly grey) creeping out of upper leg of bathing costumes.  She said I had spoiled her image of Benidorm and that she was still going to look her best in four weeks time when we go.  She said she intended to have a spray tan, her hi-lights retouched and her eyelashes tinted.  I begged her to collect my urine sample but she said she was not prepared to carry a tube of warm yellow liquid .  I told her she would be drinking glasses of warm yellow liquid in Benidorm.

Managed to get dressed, put oversized sunglasses on and took sample to surgery.  The receptionist said I would get results on Wednesday.  I could be dead by then.

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