Week 4 – Friday
08.18.09
Managed to swap my days with Bernice at work so that I could get hair done and pack. Of course I also needed to go through flat like a tornado. My mum always told us when we were growing up that if you were going away you should leave your home immaculate in case anything happens to you and you don’t return. That way, whoever comes to sort out your affairs cannot call you behind your back for being a dirty bugger. Although when I think about it rationally I realise that if you were dead you wouldn’t really give a flying fuck whether your bench tops had been bleached and your chrome was sparkling.
I told my mum years ago that her headstone would read ‘she may have had her faults, but her skirting boards were immaculate’.
Since I am only away the one night I am simply taking a holdall (the truth is I only have one case and it’s ancient), I could be like that trampy chav family from that television documentary and carry my belongings in netto bags!
Anyway, hair looks totally defrizzed for once and have applied masses of super strength serum so it would take an act of God to move it. Roots are a nice hue of strawberry blonde and is looking poker straight. I think with hours spent applying expensive clinique make-up I should look passable for barbecue tomorrow.
My tummy still a bit gyppy so have googled at last minute for advice.
Got bit of shock. Turns out that the spasms, constipation and the runs may not be irritable bowel syndrome but may be crohns disease. Very concerned now.
The website says it can only be confirmed with an endoscopy or a colonoscopy (other end, think hoover nozzle inserted up rectum without lube.)
I have therefore decided to take my trusty laptop on my overnight stay. I need to keep a close eye on symptoms but earliest doctors appointment would be Tuesday as Dr Bloomfield doesn’t work Mondays and he knows my stomach history, i.e. irritable bowel syndrome, sliding hiatus hernia, painful period cramps and excessive flatulence.
Mum rang to say goodbye as she off to Benidorm with Anita, Ivan and kids. I decided not to mention the barbecue as didn’t want the third degree when I return, i.e. what do Mark’s parents do? where do they live? are they god botherers? Do they have their own teeth? Does his mum dye her hair and are there any signs of varicose veins or bunions?
I told her to have a great time. She asked me if I wanted any ciggies bringing back and I gasped as I am a secret smoker. Mum said she has always known that I smoke even though she chain smokes herself, she can smell it on my coat.(that febreze is rubbish!)
She is bringing me two hundred fags back and is smuggling tobacco in bulk for dad as he rolls his own and extra for her to sell at the local working mens social club.
Tags: colonoscopy, crohns disease, endoscopy, excessive flatulence, expensive clinique make-up, Irritable Bowel syndrome, painful period cramps, super strength serum, varicose veins or bunions
