Week 4 – Saturday
08.19.09
Well, it’s all been a nightmare. I am writing this in the hotel room alone.
The whole thing started off okayish. Mark’s parents Dolores and Alfredo (AKA Dolly and Alfie) were ok and fairly friendly. He introduced me to his sister Mercedes who is married to Hugo. What a complete bitch!!
Well I have missed a vital part of the story. Somehow, my hair went wrong on the journey. It was a drizzly morning when we set off but my stylist had assured me that this industrial strength serum would not fail. Well he was wrong. I only stood in rain for about thirty seconds whilst putting my bag in Mark’s car and we stopped at a service station for a coffee and a fag break (nearly fainted as two cups coffee eleven pounds).
Anyway , Mercedes looked at me like I was something she had trodden in and said I was welcome to use the family gym in the house but all her stuff was size zero so I would have to get Mark to take me for gym clothes. I was so annoyed I told her I didn’t go near the gym as it put too much strain on my joints and didn’t want to end up with osteoporosis. I calmly explained that I was more a fan of Ashtanga yoga and pilates, (I read about these two things in an article about Madonna in Company magazine in the doctor’s waiting room.)
I then met Mark’s ‘brother’ Mungo and his ‘wife’ Babs. Mark filled me in on the history. Mungo used to be Mary but always felt trapped in the wrong body and dressed in men’s clothing from the age of fifteen. After years of psychology sessions along with horrendous bullying from school then work colleagues (he went to an all girls school and worked in stocks and shares) he underwent a full sex change and had his breasts, ovaries and womb removed. He was put on a course 0f male hormones to deepen his voice and give him facial hair.
I can accept all this but why choose Mungo as his new name? That I can’t get my head around. His wife Babs was lovely to me and I was very surprised at how glamorous she is. Mind, Mungo is extremely wealthy. The house is enormous with a gym, swimming pool, four reception rooms, six en suite bathrooms and a landscaped kept garden. They have housekeeper, a cleaner and a nanny for the two dogs Bafta and Oscar.
I am in the wrong job. The dogs’ nanny gets eighteen grand a year just for walking, grooming, dressing and accessorising , training and picking up poo poo.
My stomach was playing up so I stuck to cold salads and white wine spritzers. Mercedes asked me if I was watching my weight when she clocked my plate but I told her I don’t do carbs ever. (Good job she didn’t see the two crumpets I had for breakfast with utterly butterly and jam).
At about nine pm, Mark was mingling and I was left alone. I crept around the back of a tree for a sly cigarette and that’s when I met her.
Tags: Ashtanga yoga, osteoporosis, pilates, underwent a full sex change
