Diary of a CyberChondriac

My mother rang to ask if I was over my illness. I am sure she didn’t say swine flu in case just uttering it would make her catch it.

She said she was preparing for her trip abroad and had called next door to remind Doreen (morbidly obese loner with halitosis and facial hair) to check on house while she was away in Benidorm. Doreen asked her to bring back four hundred ciggies and a bottle of cheap vodka.  No wonder she is a loner!  Anyway mum informed me that Doreen is on the waiting list for a gastric sleeve operation.  The term gastric sleeve conjures up an image in my mind of the thing Christopher Timothy wore when he was delivering calves on ‘All Creatures Great and Small’.  It sounds well, frankly barbaric. Doreen must be desperate. Mum said she had joined Match.com and described herself as single, GSOH and cuddly. She had gone on seventeen dates. She had been stood up sixteen times and the suitor who did show up wanted her to squash him. I told mum that this was sick and perverted but she said au contraire, Doreen went back to his old people’s sheltered housing and did the deed but they didn’t see one another again as she said he had awful BO.

Anyhow, Julian has gone and told the family about Sexy builder and mum asked when they could expect to meet him.  I told her not to hold her breath as was early days and I didn’t hold out much hope.

Tags: cheap vodka, facial hair, gastric sleeve operation, halitosis, morbily obese

This entry was posted on Friday, August 14th, 2009 at 10:12 am and is filed under my diary. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.