Diary of a CyberChondriac

I woke up to the sound of ‘Heaven knows I’m miserable now’ by the Smiths. My favourite song ever. It seemed to be coming from outside so I gingerly pulled back the blinds and there was Mark standing with his ipod speakers and a huge bouquet of stargazer lillies (my fave flowers ever).

After a quick wash, added bronzer, squirted perfume, a slick of lip gloss, I went down to let him in.

He said I looked really cute in my Betty Boop pyjamas and that he had missed me. He went in for a cuddle but I shyed away. He said my new hair colour and style was amazing and that I looked stunning.

He explained that he didn’t mention Jennifer as he knew I would get arsey about it all. As far as he was concerned she didn’t exist and that he had ended the relationship over seven months ago. I argued that he had said that he had not met the right girl yet. He said as far as he was concerned he hadn’t until he met me! He said granted,I wasn’t his usual ‘type’ of false tan, huge breasts and hair extensions but he had been taken by my sparkling personality.

I argued that I had huge hang ups about my body and self esteem issues as well as a penchant for looking up my symptoms on Google. I advised him he was better off without me as I had many health problems, both physical and mental. He insisted that he loved these little quirks and that is what made me so unique and special.

Admittedly he seemed convincing but I persisted that I felt he was not that desperate that he needed to go out with me. He was attractive and had a fit body so he could take his pick. He said he was through with air heads and at 35 he was looking for something more meaningful.

Anyway, I told him I was still feeling very hurt and that I felt betrayed that he had kept Jennifer a secret from me. He said he can’t be any more ashamed and sorry for his actions and he didn’t know how else to prove himself to me. His eyes had tears in them and he reminded me of my family dog Arthur so we embraced and then had the most amazing make up sex ever. A marathon four hours of unadulterated filth under the sheets, on the stairs, in the bath and the kitchen bench top. We then fell into an exhausted sleep.

I woke up at three and told him I was going out with Rex that night. He said he was glad that me and Rex were friends as it connected me to his family . I told him that was a bad thing because I wasn’t at all keen on Mercedes. Mark assured me that Rex only does Mungo and Babs’s hair and that Mercedes goes to Toni and Guy.

We parted on good terms and I went for a shower to get ready for comedy night.

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