Diary of a CyberChondriac

The breakfast is abysmal. One type of cereal supposed to be corn flakes. It was certainly flakes of something but not corn. Stale bread rolls and apricot jam. I ask you ‘apricot jam!’. The most unpopular flavour in the UK and that’s what they offer us. I ended up having a luke warm cup of black coffee and took my pills. Too hung over to even attempt the paltry offerings of the breakfast buffet (not a spread or a buffet to tell you the truth).

We had pre booked tickets to go on a planned tour today.

Got on bus with the girls at ten am.

Had to get off bus at ten fifteen as Manda vomited and some of offending liquid ran down centre of bus. One of the other tourists complained (Chinese elderly lady, floppy hat, huge camera) and we were asked to get off bus. We were told we could not get a refund, but our ticket for the tour ensured a queue jump at the Colosseum and the Vatican.

We decided to walk a little to get our bearings and maybe find somewhere to eat.
We found a quaint outside cafe and ordered coffees and pastries. Delicious. Smoked several cigarettes as everyone smokes in Rome and we didn’t feel like leppers for a change.

Four men outside Colosseum in Roman soldier attire. They swooped on us straight away and put their arms around us, offering to have a photograph taken for fifty euros. We politely declined and they persisted. Then Manda whispered into one of their ears and he winked at her.

Colosseum fascinating. A beautiful place to visit steeped in history. After ten minutes Manda disappears. I texted her but no reply.

She returns half an hour later looking disheveled. She had been in the sandwich van/portakabin and had a quickie with one of the Roman soldiers. She said
it was true what they said about Roman Soldiers…………they have big helmets.

Had our photographs taken for free with Roman soldiers. I asked Manda if she felt guilty about cheating on Gus. She said “when in Rome make like the Romans, and anyway, Gus and I are not exclusive you know? Besides he was hung like a baboon.”

I wasn’t that fussed on the Vatican as I had been forced to spend an entire day there back in the 1980s when I went on a school trip with Saint Oswalds comprehensive. Still I felt obliged to take photos and I bought some fancy rosary beads for my mum.

We got the underground metro back to the hotel and had a nap. Once showered and looking glamorous we went out for a meal and then onto a nightclub which played distinctly dodgy music. I had not heard any of the songs before. Some slimy tourists from Germany tried to chat us up but there is something totally un sexy about the German accent. Still times are hard so we pretended to enjoy their company and let them ply us with drinks all night.

One of them took a particular shine to me and kept saying ‘klein Carla, you ist zo vunny and chute’. Unfortunately for me he had a ‘cling on’ style fringe and he danced very stiff (like he had shit his pants and his joints needing oiling ). Manda said it is true what they say about German men, they have big helmuts. She has no shame.

Tracey has had a man drought lately so she snogged the face off her German leech called Jon. She said he had a tongue like an electric eel, but his front two teeth were hanging out to dry so when they kissed his teeth rubbed against hers. Yakky poo poo!

Returned to hotel at one. Had to go straight to bed as we must vacate room by ten in the morning. We are not flying until tea time but we can leave our belongings at reception whilst we do more sightseeing tomorrow.

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