Diary of a CyberChondriac

Fed up with work. I only had Sunday off last week because of overtime. New guy started in the office, although when boss away he will sit in his room. His name is Kirk, he is fresh from college. Very enthusiastic (you are when you are that age! ) and he has loads of ideas about where changes can be made. Manda, Bernice and myself not happy as we think we may not get away with skiving from now on.

Anyway because I have been there the longest I have been told to take him under my wing. I will have to send him on errands when I want to go on google or make personal calls. Manda says she is attracted to him but thinks he is only in his early twenties. I told her she was being monogamous from now on anyway.

Because Kirk was so keen to please we sent him on sandwich run and gave him really complicated orders. Manda asked for a mozzarella, tomato and pesto poonani. We all sniggered behind his back. I remember my mum telling me that on her first day at the factory, the supervisor had sent her on an errand to get tartan thread. She knew it must have been a prank as it was a biscuit factory she was working in. The people must not have been very bright.

Whilst he was away I managed to google my stool problem again. I haven’t been at all yet today so too early to say.

Rex texted me to say it’s his day off and he has decided to go to a Dentist in town to see about teeth whitening. I knew he would become addicted. He also has an appointment next week at Transform to have his toes corrected. I just think this is a complete waste of money as nobody ever sees his toes. He argued that it would give him more confidence when having sexual intercourse.

The problem is, he explained in great detail, that the toe next to his big toe is longer than his big toe. I feigned horror and said that he definitely must get that corrected as he was a freak of nature. (I didn’t tell him about my double toenail on my pinky, as I think he may have vomited. )

Invited to mum’s for tea tonight, apparently everyone going. Mum wants to see everyone before she gets her bunions done. You would think she was having a heart transplant. I will be on my guard because I have a feeling that she will want someone to do housework, feed dad and mind Doreen’s mutt.

Tea at mum’s started off all right. Julian and I making fun of Ivan to Anita. Of course Ivan wasn’t there because he is working all the hours God sends.

He had an airport run and that’s five packets of nappies according to Anita. My mum told her she should use terry nappies and steep them in a bucket like she did. Julian said as Anita is the youngest those nappies must have been well stained by the time she wore them. Mum’s lips went thin and she assured Anita that she had bought a new packet with every pregnancy.

I painted Chanel’s fingernails for her. She insisted I painted every nail a different colour so it took ages. I asked her if she was excited about the new babies bot she just pulled a face and said “dad says the house is bloody crowded already.”

Mum hassled me about introducing Mark to the family. I told her I would rather chew tinfoil than let Mark meet my family. Her lips went very thin this time and so I told her I would wait until after her operation.

Julian has a huge love bite on his neck which he tried to cover with concealer but we noticed straight away. It’s pathetic really at his age. He should know that concealer won’t work! His new love interest is a young dolly bird from his office. She is a temp so he says there will be no complications when he finishes with her as she is only on a short contract. Poor girl. He told me in private that she is a complete air head but she plays a mean fiddle. Oh purleeze! Too much information or TMI as Miles says.

Anita says she is going to ask friends to be godparents to the scotch eggs (new babies ) as she thinks Julian and I are not good role models. I argued that we both work and are law abiding citizens. She said we spend far too much time drinking and fornicating. Can’t say I am bothered about being relieved of god parenting duties.

She was wearing a brand new maternity outfit from Next as she said she gave the last lot to charity. Apparently she had offered them to Doreen, mum’s neighbour but she couldn’t even get her arm in let alone her body. Talking of Doreen, she is expected out of hospital in a week but she has to have a district nurse in for at least a fortnight. Turns out her gastric sleeve operation was a partial success. Julian said Doreen could give her old clothes to the scouts for them to camp out in. Mum tutted but she was definitely trying to stifle a smile.

Following huge roast chicken dinner at mum’s I have had a motion and it is back to normal. Thank you Lord.

Dreading work tomorrow. Kirk is going to have a staff meeting to discuss changes. I don’t take well to change. I still wear my blusher in an eighties stripe, I have eaten frosties for my supper since always and I had to have counseling when I had cable TV installed. God help me if we change to the Euro.

Anything is possible. Looks like dreary Gordon Brown is going to lose the next election. If the Tories get in we are doomed. I still remember the John Major years. My dad was unemployed, pensioners did not get heating allowance, Youth Training Schemes were the norm.

I am in a very pensive mood tonight. Miles was doing Michael Jackson impressions in style of Bo Selecta and it made me think of learning the dance to the ‘Thriller’ video when I was younger. Since his death I cannot look at my exfoliating glove!

Off to Beddy Byes.

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